The Princess and The Frog

(disclaimer: slight use of profanity. sorry.)

Picture the scene: Maizey in her stroller, me standing lazily beside her. Looking lost probably. In the mall.

Nice Random Mom With Toddler: Hi, how old is your little girl? (I guess I should just be thankful that Maizey was noticed for what she is - A GIRL)

Me: Shes 1. How old is your little one? (Notice I said little one - not girl or boy... I don't want to be that guy)

Nice Random Mom With Toddler: Hes 1 also. Whens her birthday?

Me: August, the end, the 29th. How about his?

Nice Random Mom With Toddler: September 4th. Whats her name?

Me: Maizey. Whats your little guys?

Nice Random Mom With Toddler: Keaton. So does she sleep well? (Obviously a mother of a small child, no one else would give a shit about that)

Me: Yep, usually. Just depends on the night. You know how it goes. How about him?

Nice Random Mom With Toddler: Oh ya, he's a really good sleeper. Always has been. Keaton, can you say hi to Maizey? Wave. Say hi. Oh you want to run away, I am just going to follow you. Come back and say hi to Maizey. Look, can you show Maizey how you walk? Come here.....

(polite small talk continues until my Mom comes back. I leave to use the washroom)

--What the hell happened while I was in the washroom??? --

Picture this scene: Maizey still in her stroller, My mom standing beside her looking slightly nauseated and laughing uncomfortably. Little boy with his face up to Maizeys stroller with his mom kneeling beside.

Me: OK, everyone ready to go?

Mom: Yes, lets go.

Nice Random Mom With Toddler: Can you say bye to Maizey, Keaton? Do you want to give her a kiss?

Mom: *uncomfortable hahaha* I don't think she wants one. OK, ready to go?

Nice Random Mom With Toddler: Say bye Keaton. Oh you want to give Maizey a kiss? haha

Me: OK Maizey say good bye and we'll go.

Nice Random Mom With Toddler: Oh Keaton, you really want to give kisses. haha, isn't that cute?! (Umm, no NOT REALLY LADY)

Mom: Look, she keeps pushing him away, haha, she must not want a kiss. OK, say bye Maizey and we'll go.

Me: Maizey wave (for the love of god, just WAVE so his mom will pick him up from practically climbing into your stroller to get a kiss and we will LEAVE. PLEASE!!!!! NOW.)

Maizey looking at me like what the deuce is going on here? I think I am supposed to wave.

*more uncomfortable laughing*

FINALLY -

Maizey waves.

Then we all watch, in slow motion, with horror, as she leans forward and KISSES his big slobbery mouth. Complete with a mmwwwaaaaahhhh sound and all.

oh-my-effing-god-we-need-to-get-out-of-here

Me: *very noticeable uncomfortableness* OK, it was nice to meet you guys. Bye.

Nice Random Mom With Toddler: Ya, you too. Keaton say bye and thanks for the kiss.

(we have said ENOUGH good byes)

Turn and half walk, half run away

Mom: Nice to meet you guys? What? You didn't know them? 

Me: wipe it off. Wipe it off. WIPE IT OFF NOW. Hurry up. Oh my god Maizey, who taught you to do that? Give complete strangers kisses. Oh My God. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. What the hell Mom? What happened when I went to the bathroom? When I left there was polite conversation about bed times, I come back to make out session 2010. Oh My God. What if she gets sick, or catches that weird thing he had going on with his head? Is it possible to catch weird head shape from a kiss. And what happened to all his hair? I mean, he had like 3 hairs, that's it... what if all hers falls out now because of it. We waited, like, a year to get this little amount and now its all going to fall out... wahhhhhh OH MY GOD. I think I am going to be sick. Who does that? Tells their kid to give a complete stranger a kiss - on the mouth for gods sake, not even tells, practically forces him to do it... why couldn't it have been on her hand? I could have at least wiped her hand with bleach. I don't think I can bleach her mouth, can I? Is bleach poisonous? Oh My God, I am going to have to feed my baby a glass of bleach to make sure her hair doesn't fall out and she doesn't get a weird shaped head. WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?

Mom: hahahahahahahaha, that was so funny.Oh Maizey, you are funny.

Lesson learned. No more polite small talk with Moms of small children. Unless I see them climb out of a freaking Rolls Royce.

(note: I am sure the little boy is fine. it's just weird. I have GOT to teach her not to do that!)