Saturday, October 16, 2010

Home Alone

Tonight I went to work for the first time in a really long time. I put on my black pants and shirt, shined up my red work shoes and headed out with a purpose. It was fun. I remembered what to do, and I did it with the same ease I always did. I didn't forget how, I didn't drop anything, I was that person again. The one that knew my job like the back of my hand and did it with a smile on my face. I missed my old work family (although, I do see them pretty much... all the time, just in a different capacity), it felt like I had never left. We laughed and joked and worked and got the job done, just like we always did before. It felt good to be back. I left feeling confident and proud that I know I can wear two hats without any hesitation. 

For the first time in 13 months and 16 days, I am spending the night alone. I am very uneasy. It doesn't feel right that it is after 9pm and I am alone. I got asked to work at a private function tonight and I jumped at the chance to make some cash. Of course Brian had to work tonight too, so Maizey is at her Nana and Papas house for a sleep over. I have to admit, it has taken everything I have not to go get her and bring her home. I feel like I should enjoy this time to myself, maybe run myself a bubble bath and enjoy a glass of wine. I also feel like I should do all the crap that it isn't easy to do when I have my hands full running after her. I also feel like I should just do exactly what I want to do, which is go get her and bring her home with me. It wouldn't be so weird or hard if Brian was here with me, but the fact that I am here alone makes it so much harder.

We have this nightly routine at our house. When we go to bed, we stop in Missys room to check on her. We fix her covers, give her kisses, sometimes pick up her heavy, sleeping body for a minute and snuggle her close. Whisper in her ear how much we love her and how happy we are to be her parents. We quietly say good night baby girl and we tip toe out of the room. When Brian is home we always do it together.

She's fine, I know that. She probably doesn't even care that I am not there. She will be happy to see me tomorrow morning. I KNOW. What I don't know, is why I am being such a wimp. I should be fine with this, she is safe, shes with people who love her and would never let anything happen and whom she knows and trusts. I know I will be fine. Its just that its the first time. I like our nightly routine. And even though this morning at 6am I was cursing while stumbling to her room in the dark, to see what in gods name was the reason for all the yelling, I still do love getting up, just her and I, when we eat our toast and smell the coffee wafting through the house. I know I will be fine.

I think I should go to bed. The sooner I get to sleep, the sooner this is over.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow I will be the happiest woman in the world when I get to see my little family. I am such a wimp.

Good night my baby girl, I am so lucky to be your mama. I love you.


  1. Happy Birthday, Amy. She IS lucky to have you for her Mama.

    The first time I left Eve over night I stood outside an Elton John concert listening to a voicemail trhat said, "Mama! Night night." The concert was great, and I was glad that I had the first night apart out the way. It was so hard.

    Doesn't writing make you feel so much better??

  2. Happy Birthday Amy!! Jess is now 13 and I am still at a loss when he goes away for the overnight, the house/my heart just doesn't feel right.

  3. Happy Birthday Amy! I am the same way we've left the kids with my parents before but I had always been with Ryan or away from home. Last month we went on a hunting trip and Ryan was already out there and I was leaving early the next morning so Mom took the kids over night that night so I was ALL alone and it was definitely weird! Being in our house, so quiet it was very creepy,even Daisy was gone. I'm not sure if you're supposed to feel completely ok when your family isn't around. Like your friend Ramona said she still feels a loss when her 13 yr old is gone. I think it took me 1hr before I decided I should do something rather than just sit on the couch and listen to nothing. But like you said you'll be fine and so will she. i'm getting ready to do it again next weekend I'm going to a scrapbooking retreat leaving Friday and home Sunday. It'll be fun but it'll take all I've got not to phone home every couple of hours to see what and how everyones doing.

  4. Thanks everyone! Its always good to know you arent alone in feeling this way! I tried to keep myself busy until it was too late to go get her anyways, so that helped some, but just like you Andrea, I sat in silence for awhile before I decided that I would go caa--raa--zzyyy if I didn't do something! When I finally did go to bed, I slept like a rock! So that was a definite bonus!
    And Stacey, yes, it helps a lot to write about it! Thats one of the reasons I love my blog so much!