Saturday, March 7, 2015

(New) Home

Well. It happened. Obviously.
We moved. It's already been five weeks.
If you have talked to me at all in these last weeks you have probably heard me say things like "oh, it's coming" "yes, it feels good. well, I mean, it will feel good, right now it feels like hell haha kidding" "Ya, we've sort of run out of steam, so we are just living in a mess, but it will get there. I know, I'm not worried" "It's fine".
That was me trying to trick myself into being positive.
The truth is, I have been a negative nancy since we moved in. In fact, Brian actually felt the need to say to me I wish you would just stop focusing on all the negative shit. Naturally, I didn't react that well to that, but five little minutes of quiet reflection and I was like Oh ya, I have been a total asshole. 
First, I'm just going to go ahead and quickly complain about all the shit that I have been complaining about. The disgusting carpets - fml. The absolutely hideous wall paper headboard and brass sconces that adorn the master bedroom wall that make me want to throw up in my mouth every time I make eye contact with it. The cobwebs and the fact that the previous people didn't clean at all. Like, not even a tiny bit. Other peoples filth - fuuuuccckkkk. *shudder*. Who builds a house slightly turned on the lot? I mean, do you hate symmetry or something? Why can't we figure out the heat? It's boiling hot, it's freezing cold, we can't win. Who designed the light switches? None of them make sense. It's annoying. What color are these walls, faded pepto bismal pink? If they had asked anyone, they would have been told that the color was never nice. Not back then, not now. Fake brick lino that still looks brand new even though it's over 30 years old? Ok, thats kind of impressive. Ugly, but impressive. Who puts carpet in the dining room slash the only room big enough for our kitchen table? Obviously not the person who has to clean it, thats for sure. Hunter green trim - what in the actual fuck were you thinking?

Ok, ok, I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of it right now, so I will call that "progress" and move on. Whew, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Because you know what? This last week, I have turned a major corner. I walked in a few days ago and it smelled like us. It smelled like home. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, like I didn't want to go "home" any more, I finally, finally, felt like maybe I WAS home.
I had at least as hard of a time leaving our other house as I expected. Maybe worse actually. One day I will write it out, how ever emotional and vulnerable I will feel, because I think it's good to feel those feelings and I want to one day look back on that and remember what it felt like and to see how far I've come since that day.

The gross pink walls are still gross, the carpet is awful and don't even get me started on the bidet. Oh did I mention there's a bidet? Ya, be jealous. ha. but also know that it's going, however much of a conversation starter it is, and however wonderful they apparently are to use *ahem, not that anyone has tried it*  it's not sticking around taking up prime bathroom real estate. We have mostly got the heat figured out and I have never been more appreciative of the fact that we own a Dyson (LIFE. SAVER.). It's mostly clean now - I mean, I only have so many hours a day to spend washing walls and wiping baseboards and vacuuming screens and windowsills, so the rooms we use, those are done, the rest, well, I will get there. I know the "problems" (complaints is probably a better word) are mostly cosmetic and I know one day it will all be re-finished and nice and new again. That's the problem with leaving a place that you have already re-done and LOVE, and going to a place that has potential. Thats what we kept saying - it's not nice now, but it for sure has potential to be a fantastic house. I just needed a few weeks to remind myself of the potential we saw when we first looked at it.

Sitting on the floor beside the stove playing games, reading books, hanging out, thats pretty great. The yard, the deck, the two floors of windows, however slightly turned they may be - all amazing, and definitely things to appreciate. Giant old trees surrounding us, the flats not more than 100 steps from our door, a quiet cul de sac with only two other houses. Sitting at the head of the table and not seeing any other houses. Those are just a few of the great things about living here and calling this place home.
We are (mostly) settled in and love company even more, now that we have room for you!