Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Parking Lot Poop

Last Monday morning the cloud cover was so low I felt like with a little hop it could be touched. It was raining slash snowing and even though the thermometer read above zero it felt much, much colder. It had been endless days of grey and rain and blah and it was really getting to me. To us. All of us. It was barely 9am and I was already feeling desperate for the day to pleaseee get better. In a frantic attempt to find something better than being at home, I threw (mostly clean) clothes on myself and the kids, brushed teeth and ran out the door with barely a coat on. No time to shower, or hell, even comb my hair. It really was that frantic. We drove to the library but apparently it's closed on Mondays. We went to the ball diamonds to maybe walk the green belt, but I had no stroller and the wind was cold by the river. I was so unprepared. I was fighting tears while chanting in my head this day will only suck if you let it. Maizey asked where we were going and I told her I didn't know. She threw Salmon Arm out there. I took it and ran. We stopped to grab a coffee and then headed out. I desperately wanted to get excited at the prospect of sun, but I wasn't *there* yet.

The roads were bare and the traffic light. A dream day on the highway.

Here comes the sun...

Maizey started complaining. Then she pulled Jace's blankets off. He started to cry. I pulled over, put his blankets back on and gave him his soother. The lid from my breakfast blew away in the wind, so I ran for it and like a scene out of a movie, every time I got close, it blew just a few feet further. Jace's soother fell out again.

We were only 12 minutes out of town.

Back on the road, the music turned up and no whining.

3 minutes later, Maizey needed to pee. Can you hold it? I asked. She said no so I said we would stop as soon as I could. We were just coming up to Griffin Lake where there's a big pull out so I told her to hold it a little longer. We passed the snow gates where there was a highways truck stopped and had a few eastbound vehicles stopped as well. Since I had just come through and seen nothing, I didn't think too much about it. We got to Griffin Lake Lodge and I took Maizey out to pee. I held her up, with her pants down, like I have done countless other times. Nothing. She looked around. I looked at her. Nothing. I guess I don't have to go, she said. I pulled her pants up and put her back in the truck. She landed on the drivers seat so wanted to drive. I played along for a few minutes before I told her to climb back to her seat. We argued and I, of course, won. Just as I buckled her seat belt up she started crying that she needs to pee. I need to pee, I need to pee, I need to pee, please mommy.... I took her out, held her up with her pants down, like I had done just minutes before. Nothing. She looked around. I looked at her. Nothing. Are you gonna go? I asked. No, she answered. Back in the truck. I strap her in as shes crying but I have to peeeeeeee. Jace is screaming. I'm arguing with her. It's not pretty. I really have to go.... Last time Missy, for real. If you don't go, we have to turn around and I am serious. (How lame does "I'm serious" sound, after the fact? God.). I took her out, no shoes and missing a sock now, hold her up AGAIN...Nothing. Back in the truck. Jace had very clearly had enough, and I was getting to that point too. I wasn't going to be caught going back on what I said, so we headed home. Not 5 seconds down the road, those few eastbound cars had lined up to. We were suddenly stopped in a line up of traffic. I got out to give Jace his soother for the third time and by the time I got back to the drivers seat he had spit it out and was screaming again. Maizey was crying that she realllly had to pee. I busted a nut out of that line up of traffic and pulled back into the turn out. I undid Maizeys seat belt, pulled Jace from his seat, climbed back into the front seat, whipped my boob out and shoved him on. Silence, finally. In a matter of second, the line up of traffic had made it to the turn out and gone way beyond. WTF?? I wondered. There was nothing on the other side. For some reason when I had come racing into the parking lot, I turned and was parked east, even though I thought in my head that if Jace would just stop crying, we would keep going west. It looked as though we should be in the line up, but I still didn't know which way we were heading. People were walking all over the place and there were a number of other cars that had pulled into the parking lot as well. With Jace on my boob and Maizey bouncing around the cab, I was just trying to make sure she didn't accidentally knock the truck into gear with her knee, while trying to make sure I didn't honk the horn with my elbow and draw attention to us. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement and looked up to see the cute, cute, cute guy walking not very casually by my door. I tried to nonchalantly cover myself up while rolling the window down. You can just pull out in front of me when traffic starts moving he said, while trying not to act embarrassed even though he totally just saw most of my exposed boob. I'm going the other way, but thanks anyways I said, equally as embarrassed. He walked away quickly, I tried to hide my red face. I'm so glad he got to sit in his truck, right next to mine, for the next twenty minutes. It didn't make it any better that he kept catching me looking at him. Midway through side number two, Maizey suddenly had to ACTUALLY pee. Doing the dance right there on the passenger seat and everything. I ripped Jace off, jumped out, practically ran to the other side, dropped a screaming Jace in his seat, grabbed my dancing Missy, yanked her pants down and held her up, AGAIN. Oh she peed this time and when she finished, she looked at me and said I guess I have to poop too. Right there in Griffin Lake Lodge parking lot, surrounded by a line up of traffic, other cars and people walking around, she pooped on the ground, while I held her up. Not awesome, Maizey, not awesome.
Nothing pisses me off more than when people don't clean up their dogs crap. It's gross and inconsiderate. I assume the same would be said about people poop. So again, with all the people stopped at the random highway closing of the Trans Canada on Monday March 12, 2012 and God as my witness, with a wet wipe wrapped around my hand and an old plastic bag scrounged up from the floor of the back seat, I cleaned up Maizeys poop. Then promptly disinfected my hands and arms.
We sat there long after the traffic had cleared up. Until the highways truck pulled up to tell me that they were closing again, so if I was going to go, I'd better do it.
We never made it to Salmon Arm. But I learned a valuable lesson. If you are going to give a good looking guy a peak at your boobs, it would probably pay to have a shower and look, you know, like you didn't just roll outta bed. Oh, and make sure your kids go to the bathroom before you leave.


  1. HaHaHa....Thanks Amy. Still laughing...maybe teenagers aren't that hard after all!

  2. Oh my god Amy I am laughing so hard reading this right now!!!!

  3. HOLY F'IN SH*T I am balling I'm laughing so hard. OMG, I love you for sharing that! And I'm happy you made it out with hopefully a laugh after the situation!

  4. I have tears I'm laughing so hard....but in that moment I know all to well you were not feeling the humor....
    Thank you for being brave...with not only revealing your embarrassment about an accidental exposed boob flash to a cute stranger as well as the scooping poop with a wet wipe but for ULTIMATELY sharing this story and reminding me that this happens to the best of us.
    You made my day....and I wish you a peaceful shower and coffee filled day at home, xx.
    One last time....BaHaHaHaHa.... Much love!

  5. Ha, thanks everybody. I definitely laughed after, but at the time... ya, there was no laughing.