For Sale: Two Adorable Blonde Kids. Have Blankies And A Ride. Must Go ASAP.

Dear Kids,
Today, I wanted to sell both of you.
For the record, when you wake up and start crying, IT'S NOT TIME TO WAKE UP.
Jace, I don't know where you got this climbing thing from. but stop it. Actually, just so you know, I don't even  mind it so much when you do it in the living room, but the kitchen? Beat it. The oven is not to be climbed up, if thats even what you were doing when you got the door open and the oven WAS ON, either way, leave it alone. Also, the counters should be safe for us to leave stuff on, like knives and full glasses of milk. Lets leave it at this; if its not a toy, don't touch it.
Maizey, I don't know what happened, you were great this morning. Borderline perfect. I don't know what happened, but good grief, whatever it was.... it was bad. B-A-D. I like playing with you, I like when you help me, I like eating with you and talking to you. I do it a lot. Basically all day, everyday. In turn I would like for you to learn when enough is enough. Like, after the hours spent together today, when you wanted to play mom/kid reversal and you wanted to 'drive me to Ang's house' and I said no thanks, I was good, you should have stopped. No, setting up a fake car with a fake car seat and telling me 'Ang's house is just the bathroom Kid, it's not far and I'm a safe driver' didn't make me want to do it any more. But thanks for the offer. When I said no thanks 45 times, I meant it.
You two, I love you. I really do. But sometimes you are just too damn hard on me.
I don't ask a lot - Don't cry all the time, ask nicely, pick up after yourself, eat what I give you. It doesn't seem super hard.
Jesus, the crying. Jace. Stop crying. You are so freaking dramatic. It's actually laughable. Until it's not laughable anymore and it makes me want to scream. Drama drama drama. Maizey, also with the crying. Stop it.
I know what sibling fights are like and I am gearing up for the matches in your later years. I have an above average annoying sibling. I get it. I understand the sudden need for what the other has, the second they get it and I actually find the running from the other to hide in the bathroom thing kind of funny, because it's exactly what I did as a kid. The fight tonight, when you both should have been asleep was a bit much. I mean really, there were two glasses of water. The screaming over which one got which, well, I think it made my ears bleed. I'm sorry for yelling.




Theres more... the crying at the pool and kicking and screaming and moving when I was trying to put your swim diaper on like it was hot metal and not a cute little cloth diaper (Jace). The dumping of little plastic toys full of water, on the floor out of the tub when I wasn't looking (Jace). The whole plate of dinner on the floor because, apparently, you weren't hungry (Jace). The jam toast wiped on the floor like a cloth (still up in the air who actually did this). Pushing Jace off the couch (Maizey). The mulitple p.j changes (Maizey). All the books dumped off the bookshelf (Jace). Emptying the toilet paper holder and using it for a blankie holder, which resulted in Jace getting the toilet paper (Maizey). Stop turning the fireplace on (both of you). Just the general asshole-ish-ness of both of you today.
Tomorrow has to be better. I promise to bring my A-game with the patience. You have to bring your A-game in being the awesome kids you usually are. I'm not sure how we will all make it out alive if tomorrow is like today. Actually, Daddy will be home. It's his turn.
Love, Mommy